I am His
Identity. We all have one. What makes you 'you'? The way people see and identify you is made up of a big cocktail of your hobbies, talents, work, relationships etc. I thought I knew pretty well who I was. A wife, mother, daughter, small business owner, farmer, artist, church worker... That is, until I suddenly found myself in hospital for the best part of 5 weeks. One of the biggest challenges I had to face was surrender. I had to temporarily give up my life as it was for a hospital bed.
The most difficult part of my life to surrender was motherhood. Beforehand, I was a mum who would stress if I had to be away from my kids for more than a few hours. I controlled their routine, nutritional intake (and was still breastfeeding my daughter), nap times and activities. I made sure they had a singlet on if it was cool, and an extra coat, hat and undies with them when they went out. I tried to read them at least 3 books a day and a Bible story at night. I even knew their bowel habits!
I was there to give them a cuddle when they needed it. Now I wasn't. I went from being a big part of their everything to being trapped away from them in a small room, hooked up to tubes and no way of escape. IF I was well enough I could spend 1 or 2 hours with them a day. Now I had to just rest and let my husband and mum take over all of their care (which they did brilliantly). But it was hard for me. It was hard to helplessly lie there as my milk dried up, not even being well enough to express anymore. I missed them like crazy. I was forced to completely surrender and give up control of everything that I thought I was. Almost everything that is...
I found the only sure and certain thing about my life and about who I was is that I'll always be a child of God. I belong to Him and He loves me dearly. Everything else- my job, my marriage, my motherhood is a gift. They are wonderful, beautiful, precious parts of my life but they aren't steadfast. God doesn't need me to be a mother or church worker or artist. He has united my husband and I together in marriage which is sacred and pleasing to Him...but if I wasn't here I know God would find a way to give him all the support and love he needs. God is so big and amazing. He's not limited to working only through us. It's an amazing blessing that I am able to have these things in my life and that God can use me as a vessel to bring His love to others through them. I pray that I'll get a chance to enjoy them for a long time yet but if I wasn't here, God would make this happen in some other way.
Maybe it took me being stuck in hospital to realise this. My kids were thriving without me. Sure, they missed me and couldn't wait for me to get home, but they were thriving nonetheless. God doesn't NEED me. He just loves me and it brings Him so much joy to see me enjoying and working with the gifts He's given me.Now does this mean that I won't try my best as a mother, wife or working in my daily vocations because God's got it all under control? No way, Jose`! If anything, this experience has helped me to appreciate all that I have so much more. I want to make the most of all that I've been given! Every conversation. Every sunrise. Every cuddle. Every smile. But I'm also going to try to remember that God holds it all in His hands, and most importantly- I am his.
A day or two before my first surgery I was (as you can imagine) shocked, anxious, fearful and scared. What would happen if things didn't work out? How would Tim and the kids cope? One morning I was spending time in meditation with God's word. I had the most lovely vision of me back in my teenage years sitting on a bank at a youth camp. It was just me and God. No husband, no kids, no job, no responsibilities, no thinking about what I was going to cook for tea...just me and God. Just me sitting there, being loved by God.
This vision somehow made the gifts God's given me in my life seem so much richer. Beforehand I would get swept up in trying to live out my life MY way. I'm not making any promises- my old human self is likely to still try and do this from time to time, but now I have a reminder of how much more wonderful my life can be if I live as His princess first and foremost, trusting him in every part of my life; allowing Him to be in control and hold every part of my life together for me.
While I was in hospital a friend shared a song with me that really helped to remind me of this- 'Just be held' by Casting Crowns. The words- "I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held" are such a precious reminder of who I am in Christ- a daughter of the King just completely relying on Him. Just being held, just being loved.
I encourage you to listen to this song if you can. It has so many wonderful words to remind us. We all seem to get caught up in being who we are that we forget who we are in Christ. May I never let all of my other beautiful gifts cloud my focus from my greatest gift of all. Everything that I've been given- all that 'I am' from a worldly view is so dear and precious to me...but take it all away and one thing remains.
I am His.