A weak woman.

Strength. Energy. Motivation.

These are the things we tell ourselves that we need to possess in order to live a life where we are truly fulfilling our purpose and glorifying our Maker. There’s so much pressure as a woman these days to keep all of our ducks in a row (a lot of this pressure coming from ourselves).

International Woman’s Day was the other week (ok, a few months back) and here are some insights that I had back then…

As someone with an auto immune disease my days are very hit and miss with what I realistically can achieve in a day compared to what I’d like to do. Don’t get me wrong- I know my situation could be far worse. I know from being a part of support groups that there are a lot of people (even with the same kind of condition that I have) that often suffer with a lot more than I do. Some days I’m able to show up and get stuff done. But some days I can find myself extremely tired, weak, breathless or with other ailments (that I won’t go into here). Most of the things I’ve learnt to live with are completely invisible to everyone except sometimes my close family. It’s just a part of my life and the journey that I’m on to heal and help my body out the best I can.

I’m a highly driven person and I just love to ‘get stuff done’. Even more than this I just want to feel ‘normal’ so that I can glorify God with the life, talents and resources that he’s given me. It’s incredibly frustrating when I can’t do this the way I want to. Also, because I’ve had cancer before there are still often routine tests to keep up with or extra tests whenever a new symptom crops up. It’s so important for me not to overcommit myself because when I get stressed and burnt out my body goes into inflammation mode (learnt that the hard way).

A few months back I experience quite a strong pain in a new area. My doctors sent me for scans and blood tests. I have quite traumatic memories of past experiences in the Doctor’s room, ultrasound rooms and the time in between waiting for results. Every part of my being wants to revert back to the paralyzing fear that I felt in these moments. It’s not a fear of dying- I know where I’m going and I’m looking forward to it. It’s a fear of not being able to fully do what God’s given me to do here on Earth. To be a wife and mother. To be here for the people in my life. But the funny thing is that I’m honestly thankful for the traumatic experiences of the past! God has helped me to grow closer to him in these moments and brought so much goodness from them that I never would have experienced living a ‘comfortable’ life. Even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that EVERYTHING is in God’s hands, and he loves me so much- I still find myself worrying instead of trusting in him. The only way for me to squash this fear is to go back and spend one-on-one time with him in the Word. If I don’t my mind takes over and I find myself overthinking every little detail- trying to make sense of it myself, which is never a good thing!

One morning on one of the days where I was waiting for the results I was pouring my heart out to God. “Why can’t I be normal? I’m so sick of spending my time going to appointments and not having the energy to do the things you’ve called me to do. I WANT to be a good wife and mum. I WANT to spend more time glorifying you through my art. I WANT to thrive so that I can serve you FULLY in all I do.”

Then God spoke to me so clearly.

“You ARE doing those things. Because my power is made perfect in your weakness.”

Wow. It’s so easy for me to think that because my day isn’t playing out the way I think it should that I’m completely failing. But God doesn’t want me to be a high-functioning independent superwoman who’s on the top of her game every minute of the day. He doesn’t want that for anyone. It’s just not possible. Eventually something’s got to give. Deep down I already knew this (because God has told it to me soooo many times already) but my human nature so often takes over and I start to believe that my plans are better than God’s. The way society idolises women who are fit, healthy, volunteer for everything and are career driven with a full schedule doesn’t help. I can’t count how many #strongwoman #girlpower #powerfulwoman posts I saw on Internation Woman’s Day! How often do we show up somewhere thinking that we need to appear strong and confident, even after we’ve had a terrible day? The way we compare ourselves to the other mums at school or our friends on Instagram who seem ‘busier’ or successful doesn’t help either.

We feel the need to put our masks on and hide our vulnerability. But I know from experience that it’s in our times of raw vulnerability that God brings forth so much goodness and growth.

A very dear friend of mine said something very wise to me the other day: “Some days you conquer mountains. And other days, ant hills. Both of those days are successful if you are honouring God.”. How very true! I painted it out for her. I think I’ll paint one for my shop, too. Because we all need to be reminded of this from time to time. If you can go to work, bulk cook a batch of meals, vacuum and mop, do a load of laundry AND fold it and also run kids around to their gigs while teaching them truths about love and life in one day then great! But if all you can manage is the bare minimum and a hug then that’s fine too.

God sees you in these moments.

He WORKS through these moments, too.

He will sustain you and he won’t only give you all you need- but the people around you, too. And he will use these moments to draw nations to him. “I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you;” (Isaiah 42:6) “All nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.” (Isaiah 60:3). His POWER in your weakness isn’t something to be taken lightly!

I say let’s celebrate and boast of our weaknesses! Who’s with me?

I’m not saying that boasting of our weaknesses is a good excuse to be lazy or slack- no! Not at all. It’s not a reason to disengage from life or leave the volunteering or dirty work up to someone else when we are completely capable. We do the best that we can with a loving attitude- and whatever that looks like God will use it.

Let’s cheer on the mum who dropped her kids off late again. Let’s support the woman who has said ‘No’ to volunteering because she knows it’s too much for her schedule and she wants make space to do her other duties well. Let’s be accepting of the people who don’t seem to be ‘showing up’ or engaging so much anymore- and check if they’re ok without pressuring them. Because God is working in all of these moments, and he sees the big picture!

By the way- my tests came back fine- Praise God! The pain was something that my body will heal by itself over time. You know how God tells us not to worry but trust him? Yeah- it’s for a reason! And even if the tests weren’t great and indicated a time of trial ahead- I know that God would have used that to bring goodness and closeness to him as he has in the past. His power is at work in EVERY situation. And it is all GOOD.